Scanned by Mike Dunn
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE
LESTER GUY
SHOW
Mark Frost and David Lynch
September 1957
ON THE AIR.
FADE IN:
1. CREDIT SEQUENCE
CREDITS OVER CLOSE-UPS of huge, circa 1957 technical television equipment being
readied for broadcast.
Using an oversized microphone and a bullhorn, a HEAVY-SET TECHNICIAN begins a
countdown with, "Five!"
Monitors blink on, test patterns appear.
"Four!"
Switches are thrown, massive cables are patched.
"Three!"
Red lights flash on large, lumbering cameras.
"Two!"
Curtains part.
"One!"
A coffee cup in a pair of HANDS shakes violently.
Beads of sweat pop violently out of a TECHNICIAN'S forehead.
A small DOG covers his eyes with his paws.
A RED NEON SIGN snaps on, reading:
"ON THE AIR"
CUT TO:
2. A TRANSMISSION TOWER - NIGHT
On top of a monolithic deco skyscraper, a broadcast beacon sparks to life,
sending electrical signals into the night air.
The "ON THE AIR" sign appears over this image and freezes.
FADE TO BLACK:
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
3. THE BROADCAST STUDIO - DAY
A rehearsal is in progress in five different staging areas of the studio:
... CHORUS GIRLS dance as a PIANIST accompanies them;
... a kitchen sketch is in progress in the main playing area;
... in a jungle set, a raft, a fake lion and a couple of extras dressed as NATIVES stand by;
... a street lamp blinks on over a small cobblestone street seed
... on the far stage right, people gather around a dog food commercial set.
CUT TO:
4. BACKSTAGE
The show's second banana, BETTY HUDSON, mid-twenties, an attractive blond with a
wandering mind and RUTH TRUEWORTHY the show's stage manager, mid-twenties
intelligent, rational, the spitting image of the girl next door.
BETTY
(terribly nervous)
Ruthie, what am I doing here? Where am I?
RUTHIE
(taking her hand, calmly)
Betty, you're the co-star of the show, you have absolutely
no experience whatsoever, you have every right to be
extremely apprehensive -
BETTY
(very politely)
I don't think you understand exactly who you're talking
to, because I don't. I'm talking about myself, to you.
RUTH
Yes. That much is clear. And I will be with you every
step of the way.
BETTY
But Ruth, this is live television. You're not going to be on
stage with me, are you?
RUTH
(as if to a four-year old)
No, dear, the stage manager stays backstage and makes
sure everything runs smoothly.
BETTY
I never should have let them talk me into this. I never
wanted to be an actress. I wanted a simple life; folding
clean sheets in a hospital, something near medicine, like
a drug store, perhaps working behind the soda fountain -
do you like cherry cokes? I could get you one.
RUTH
Betty, they chose you for this job because they liked you.
They believe in you. I believe in you. You're going to
be just fine.
BETTY
I hope so, Ruth. I really do.
(they hug each other)
You smell like my teddy bear.
The show's director, VLADJA GOCHKTCH, strides past them. He snaps his fingers.
VLADJA
(strange Eastern European accent)
Ruth! Hallo, Batty! Rath, welk woth ma! (Ruth! Hello,
Betty! Ruth, walk with me!)
Betty waves to Vladja. Ruth waves to Betty and walks with Vladja across the stage.
VLADJA (CONTINUED)
Rath, E'm vury axceted, ere wa rudy fir tha beg shew?
RUTH
Are we ready for the big show? Yes, Mr. Gotchchauk, I
certainly think we definitely have a good chance to be
almost completely ready.
VLADJA
Mervalouse!
RUTH
Betty's a little nervous about working with Mr. Guy -
They reach the dog food set, where technicians are attaching a line of monofilament to the
collar of a small DOG.
VLADJA (CONTINUED)
I say, Lester Guy: what a guy! End hiw es the nusty lettle
piichee doeng? (How is the nasty little poochee doing?)
(tries to pet the dog; it growls and nips at him)
Nein! Nein!
AN ASSISTANT ASSISTANT
(from the back of the stage)
How many?
Gochktch and Ruth move to the center area, drawn towards the CHORUS GIRLS,
who are up on their toes, dancing and kicking.
RUTH
Mr. Guy is very good, of course, but he's a little hard to
communicate with.
VLADJA
No, we understand each other perfectly -- tramindiuos,
yiu ere tramindiuos beauties, keck hehear! (Tremendous,
you are tremendous beauties -- kick higher!)
The show's producer, a balding, extremely nervous fifty-year old ex-vaudevillian, DWIGHT
McGONIGLE, joins Gochktch and Ruth, shakes Vladja nervously as he asks.
MCGONIGLE
Ruthie, how's our boy, how's our Vladja?
VLADJA
Fenal drass rahuarsul. Vary tanse!
RUTH
(translating)
It's the final dress rehearsal, Mr. McGonigle, and we're
understandably very tense. Including especially Betty -
MCGONIGLE
Sure, opening night jitters, perfectly understandable;
think about it, there's ten million Americans out there
waiting to see our premiere, knock wood.
(knocks on his own head; laughs nervously)
Don't mind me, what do I know, I'm just the producer.
A producer only needs one thing ...
(holds up one finger)
A good dialing finger and a clear speaking voice.
(they just look at him)
You're in America now, Vladja; we're banking that our
people are only going to want to see one thing tonight ...
He points to the deserted street with a single lamp post where the star of the show, a fortyish
English failed movie star, LESTER GUY, is rehearsing contorted-stylized dance moves..
MCGONIGLE (CONTINUED)
(with great pride and confidence)
The star of our show ... Lester Guy!
Guy notices them watching, his concentration broken. He strangely motions for quiet.
RUTH
(quietly, to McGonigle and Vladja)
Apparently, we've broken Mr. Guy's concentration and
he's asking if we could please be quiet and look the other
way.
MCGONIGLE
(a joke)
Somewhat self-centered, but an artist.
VLADJA
Thinks he's center of universe. Not very nice person.
MCGONIGLE
(nervous smile; first he's heard of it)
Not any trouble here, is there?
RUTH
It's well known that a healthy diversity of opinion can
actually benefit the creative process.
VLADJA
What a process.
Vladja watches Guy's strange moves, turns away and slaps himself in the forehead with
dismay. McGonigle grips Ruth and whispers behind Vladja's back.
MCGONIGLE
Ruth, tell me there's no problem here.
RUTH
Do you wane me to lie?
MCGONIGLE
Yes.
Before Ruth can answer, Betty comes out on stage, holding an iron. Many people greet her
warmly.
BETTY
Mr. Goochtalk -- Mr.Goochtalk?
VLADJA
Es Gochktch. Gochk-tch, Batty.
BETTY
(a valiant effort)
Gochktch ... anyway, sir, when would you like me to
rehearse the kitchen scene?
VLADJA
Hiw es yir erining? Yir erining?
RUTH
Betty, how is your ironing?
BETTY
Oh. My mother does my ironing.
VLADJA
(trying to clarify)
Batty, yir mither es nit en thes sane. (Betty, your mother
is not in this scene)
BETTY
My mother's at home.
VLADJA
(takes her by the shoulders)
Und hiw es yir mither, yo piir gerl? (And how is your
mother, you poor girl?)
BETTY
She's excited. But honestly, Mr. Gochktch, if she has to
stay home and iron she'll miss the show tonight.
Pause. McGonigle, Ruth and Vladja stare at her.
VLADJA
Sha cun wutch ot un talavosion en yir un hime. (She can
watch it on television in your own home.)
BETTY
But it's in the other room and I don't think the cord'll
reach.
Another long pause. Ruth tries to mediate for everybody's sake.
RUTH
I think Betty thinks that you want her mother to do some
ironing, when in fact what you're referring to is the
ironing that takes place only within the confines of the
scene, which is the ironing that you're going to do, Betty,
with the iron you have in your hand.
BETTY
(starts to cry)
I'm sorry. I thought my mother was going to miss the
show.
MCGONIGLE
(empathetic tears in his eyes as well)
Oh, you little sweetheart ... you love your mother.
VLADJA
(fuming, trying to change the subject)
Batty, vary empirtunt: cun yu scruam?
BETTY
You want me to leave?
VLADJA
Cun yu scruam?
(she looks at him blankly)
RUTH
Betty, Mr. Gotchuck is asking you if you are able to
scream.
VLADJA
Scruam, scruam!
To demonstrate, he screams. Terrified, Betty screams. Incredibly loud. The dog barks. A
crash backstage. Everything stops. Even Lester Guy looks up.
LESTER
(peeved)
Please ...
BETTY
Yes, Mr. Guy.
She screams again.
VLADJA
(hanging on to patience)
Batty, ef wun cud scruam leke thut ut axactly the reght
mimant, when we ere actually doing the scene, et wid be
vary gid. (Betty, if one could scream like that
at exactly the right moment, when we are actually doing
the scene, it would be very good.)
BETTY
But how will she know? It's pretty important.
VLADJA
Who?
BETTY
My mother?
Pause. Gochktch smiles, then moves to McGonigle and collars him, whispering.
VLADJA
McGinegle, you ere pridocer: beg quastion fir you: why
do you pot thes demwot in the shew? (You are producer:
big question for you; why put this dimwit on the show?)
MCGONIGLE
Vladja, it's very simple: her sister is the great Sylvia
Hudson, a major star on another network. Granted, when
our casting department found her she was folding clean
sheets in a hospital. It's our firm conviction there must
be some hidden talent, a family trait, some as yet
undetected brilliance, a genetic linkage -
VLADJA
Leakage?
MCGONIGLE
Possibly
A tearful Betty has moved to the SPECIAL EFFECTS SOUND ENGINEER, a blind man,
BILLY "BLINKY" WATTS, who's seated at what looks like an organ console, but instead of
keys it sports a long row of levers. Blinky's assistant, a young black man, MICKEY, stands by.
BETTY
Mickey, Blinky, what have I got in my hands?
BLINKY AND MICKEY
(a happy routine)
Chiclets!
BETTY
That's right, fellas.
She empties some chiclets into their outstretched hands. Over the intercom system we hear a
voice from the control booth:
VOICE
Rubber raft; effect 17; GO!
Hearing the cue, BLINKY pulls one of the levers: we HEAR a squeaky SOUND of rubber on
rubber, just as two of the NATIVE EXTRAS drag a large rubber raft across the stage in front
of the jungle set. Betty watches and makes happy noises at the various sounds.
VOICE (CONTINUED)
Ferocious lion; effect 18; GO!
Blinky pulls another lever; we hear a lion growl, as a stuffed lion springs forward from the
bushes of the jungle set. Betty laughs and screams again. Lester shoots another thick look.
Ruth hurries back on to the stage and moves to McGonigle.
RUTH
Mr. McGonigle, Mr. Budwaller is coming -
MCGONIGLE
Where is he?
RUTH
He's in the elevator.
MCGONIGLE
Golly day, Rusty, hand me that blow horn --
(through blowhorn)
Everybody, if I could have your attention please -
gather around everybody please.
Everyone draws around McGonigle, who now speaks without the bullhorn.
MCGONIGLE (CONTINUED)
Folks, Buddy Budwaller, the president of our network, is
on his way up here to --
The resident of ZBC National Television, BUD BUDWALLER, bursts through the big
double doors of the stage, flanked by his assistant, NICOLE THORN, an attractive, ruthless
brunette and a couple of older grey MEN IN SUITS.
BUDWALLER
SILENCE!
Everybody turns to face Budwaller. Blinky reaches for his coffee, his sleeve catches on a lever
and we hear the SOUND of machine gun fire. McGonigle hits the floor. Blinky can't
extricate himself from the lever and in trying to do so activates a loud air-raid SIREN effect.
BUDWALLER
(screaming at Blinky)
Watts! Watts!
The two old Men in Suits cup their ears. Mickey pulls the plug; the effect finally cuts off.
Budwaller stares holes at the blind man.
BLINKY
Did I do a bad thing, Mickey?
MICKEY
You did a bad thing, Blinky.
BUDWALLER
On your feet, McGonigle, you dink spine! You gob of
jelly!
MCGONIGLE
(scrambling to his feet)
Mr. Budwaller, we're all so happy to see --
BUDWALLER
Can it, pea brain, we're six hours to air -- Lester Guy,
step forward!
Guy moves to Budwaller, spreads his arms to the world and smiles beneficently.
GUY
Friends.
BUDWALLER
(smiles at him, then to the assembled)
Ladies and gentlemen, it's our belief that tonight
America will be watching Lester Guy starring in "The
Lester Guy Show." All of our research indicates that
America wants to see movie stars on television and we're
all so grateful that a star the caliber of Lester Guy has
agreed to star in "The Lester Guy Show" on Zoblotnick
Broadcasting Corporation National Television.
Nicole and the Men in Suits applaud, prompting an enthusiastic response from the company.
BUDWALLER (CONTINUED)
When we hit the airwaves this evening, you can be secure
in the knowledge that if it were not for this man, Lester
Guy, each and every one of you would be as you were
before: penniless, down on your luck, depressed, hounded
by creditors ... waiting ... waiting ... waiting for Godot.
(long, confused pause)
You all know my assistant and your network
representative, Miss Nicole Thorn.
NICOLE
Tonight, everything must run perfectly. This is live
television, ladies and gentlemen. There is no margin for
error. If any of you make a mistake in here, they see it
out there. We will not mention the word mistake again,
because it is something that cannot, that will not happen.
You are a well-oiled precision machine. The future of
our entire network is riding on this show.
A moment of silence. Blinky sets his coffee down on the console and his sweater catches on
another lever. We hear the SOUND of a BUZZ BOMB approaching and detonating.
McGonigle hits the floor again. Budwaller points.
BUDWALLER (CONTINUED)
That ... can never happen!
BLINKY
No, sir.
BETTY
There's something I don't understand; how can it never
happen if it already did happen?
BUDWALLER
(pause, perplexed)
There's nothing that I can say to you.
NICOLE
Incredible.
A long pause. They stares at Betty like a bug. She's close to tears again. Ruth steps in.
RUTH
I think Mr. Budwaller acknowledges that it did happen,
but he would prefer that it not happen again.
BUDWALLER
Ever.
NICOLE
(whispers to Budwaller)
She's a very dim bulb. I don't like her.
BUDWALLER
McGonigle! I came up here to see the kitchen scene.
MCGONIGLE
Vladja, the kitchen scene.
VLADJA
Und Mr. Badwuller, et well ran parfactly. Rath, pluces
plase fir the ketchan scene. (And Mr. Budwaller, it will
run perfectly. Ruth, places please.)
RUTH
Places please everyone for the kitchen scene.
Everyone moves to accommodate those directions. Stagehands roll out the jungle set and
move in the kitchen set. Budwaller and his Men move to sit in a roped off bleacher section,
where two other grey-suited OLDER EXECUTIVES are already seated. A sign below the
row reads: NETWORK EXECUTIVES. McGonigle nervously hovers nearby.
BUDWALLER
McGonigle, McGonigle, come here --
MCGONIGLE
Yes, Mr. Budwaller.
Budwaller lowers his voice, gestures towards Vladja, who is standing center stage with Ruth.
BUDWALLER
(lowers his voice, gestures towards Vladja)
How's the director, Mr. Zoblotnick's nephew, working
out?
MCGONIGLE
(smiling and lying)
Oh, people really seem to like him.
BUDWALLER
You know he had quite a bit of experience in show
business back in the Old Country.
MCGONGLE
Well, he really seems to know his way around a set.
Vladja addresses the company, speaking through the wrong end of the bullhorn.
VLADJA
(distant, telephone futz)
Plase ramabar, averyune; tines es a vary rimuntec scene,
thit ends en trudgady.
MCGONIGLE
(whispers to Budwaller)
This is a very romantic scene that ends in tragedy.
BUDWALLER
Let's hope your career with us doesn't end the same way.
VLADJA
Ketchen scene, drass raharsal ... Iits if anargy ... uction!
The stage goes dark. Blinky hits a lever on the sound machine, cueing some sappy soap-opera
music. LIGHTS UP on the kitchen set, where Betty stands over the ironing board. She lifts
up the iron to begin ironing -
MICKEY
(whispering' to Blinky)
Ironing effect, number seven.
Blinky pulls a lever, we HEAR the SOUND of a steam iron.
BETTY
Excuse me, excuse me, Mr. Gotchktch --
VLADJA
Yas, Batty.
BETTY
(trying to clarify)
I'm here, my mother is at home: I'll do the ironing.
VLADJA
Think yu, Batty.
BUDWALLER
(to himself)
She's no dim bulb, she's a blown-out fuse.
VLADJA
Once again ... uction! ... (Action!)
Blinky cues the steam iron effect again. Betty begins to iron.
MICKEY
Phone effect, number twelve, go.
Blinky pulls another lever. We HEAR the SOUND of a phone ring. Betty moves towards the
phone, on a bench in foreground, answers.
LIGHTS UP on BERT SCHEIN, a short character actor wearing a fake moustache, in a small
phone booth in another part of the stage. The booth is labeled LOBBY PHONE. One of the
CAMERAS rolls towards the booth and a MICROPHONE drops down nearby.
BETTY
Smith residence. Sarah Smith speaking.
BERT
Hello, Sarah, this is your husband, Andrew.
BETTY
Where are you calling from, Andrew? You sound like
you're right down in the lobby.
BERT
(emphatically)
I'm NOT calling from downstairs in the lobby, Sarah.
I'm calling from my office clear across town.
CUT TO:
5. BACKSTAGE
In near darkness, Lester Guy, in costume, is kissing someone.
LESTER
Darling... my darling ...
They turn; we see he's kissing Nicole Thorn
NICOLE
God, I hate that stupid actress. I hate her famous sister,
too. They're both idiots, especially her. You're the star
of this show. Every scene should be with you
(they kiss again)
You're on, Les.
Lester Guy moves off towards a phony fire escape outside the kitchen window.
CUT TO:
6. ANOTHER PART OF BACKSTAGE
Ruth gives direction to a tall, skinny STAGE HAND, holding on to a rope.
RUTH
Raise the crash bag, Shorty.
The Stage Hand pulls the rope and raises a large crash bag, filled with pots and pans. We
notice the Little Dog sniffing the end of the Stage Hand's rope.
CUT TO:
7. ON STAGE
Betty is wrapping up her phone call with Bert.
BETTY
All right, dear. Best of luck with the business dinner.
I'll see you back home here later this evening.
BERT
Okay, dear. Bye for now.
They hang up. Bert grimaces suspiciously and exits the booth. CAMERA turns off. Bert exits
the stage.
Betty goes back to her ironing. Behind her, Lester Guy creeps out into view on the fire escape
and starts to raise the window.
MICKEY
(reading and whispering to Blinky)
Scary, intense, foreboding music cue, number eight. Go.
Blinky cues a SCARY MUSIC CUE.
Lester climbs in the window and moves menacingly towards Betty. The MUSIC STOPS.
Betty senses something. She turns, iron in hand. They see each other.
MICKEY
Romantic love theme, number nine, go.
Blinky cues ROMANTIC MUSIC.
LESTER
Darling ... my darling ...
BETTY
Oh, sweetheart, I've waited so long for this moment.
(they embrace)
Is it safe for you to be here with me now?
LESTER
I've eluded the law brilliantly thus far.
CUT TO:
8. BACKSTAGE
RUTH
Remember, Bert, when Betty screams, that's your cue to
enter.
Bert nods. Ruth moves to the tall, skinny Stage Hand.
RUTH (CONTINUED)
Pots and pans, stand by ...
CUT TO:
9. ON STAGE
Mickey whispers to Blinky.
MICKEY
Key in door, number 14, go.
Blinky cues a loud KEY IN A LOCK EFFECT. Betty turns to face the door in alarm. She
SCREAMS. Bert throws the door open and confronts them. Betty backs up as if to faint.
BERT
Aha! I've caught you with another man!
LESTER
Andrew, please, it's not what you think -
MICKEY
Loud gunshot, cue 10, go.
Bert pulls out a gun and "fires" at Lester. Blinky cues the gunshot a couple of beats late. Lester
is "shot". Betty faints. He reels back against the kitchen counter, knocking open a cabinet; pots
and pans fall out ... backstage the Stage Hand lets go of the rope and the bag lands with a
resounding crash.
RUTH
Cue the smoking gun effect.
Another STAGE HAND hooks up a smoke hose to a prop gun in front of a camera.
On stage, the light fades to a single pinspot on the "dying" Lester.
LESTER (dying nobility)
Sarah ... I'm leaving you now ... never to return. Our
brief moment of happiness has passed ...
A single spot of light finds Betty, lying still.
BETTY
... I loved him so.
Both lights fade out. A dim light comes up on the prop gun, emitting smoke. Blinky cues
another SAD MUSIC CUE. Mickey cues Blinky to give a loud APPLAUSE effect.
We're now looking at a black and white monitor: a card FADES UP with a smiling picture of
Lester Guy and the words, "THE LESTER GUY SHOW".
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
(as applause continues)
The Lester Guy Show ... brought to you by Wellby-Snap
Pet Foods.
CUT TO:
10. BACKSTAGE
NICOLE
(into headset)
Stand by on dog food commercial ... cue Lester ...
CUT TO:
11. DOG FOOD COMMERCIAL SET
The kitchen set is rapidly wheeled away, revealing the dog food commercial set. A trap door
opens, a HAND reaches up and affixes a line of monofilament up through the dog food bowl
to a collar around the Little Dog's neck, just as Lester Guy steps into view. Stage hands vanish
as lights come up on Lester, flanked by two scantily clad CHORUS GIRLS.
LESTER
Hello. Are you a dog lover, as I am? I love dogs.
Some of my best friends are dogs.
Blinky cues a LOUD LAUGH TRACK GUFFAW.
LESTER (CONTINUED)
And of course, my friends love to eat.
The Chorus Girls empty two cans of dog food in the dog food dish.
LESTER
And what they love to cat most is Wellby-Snaps Canine
Chow. If it's wet they'll say ...
THE GIRLS
You bet.
LESTER
If it's dry they'll say ...
THE GIRLS
Oh my!
LESTER
And if it's powder they'll bark louder.
The Little Dog is pulled towards the bowl by the monofilament and he digs in.
LESTER (CONTINUED)
So for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, Welby-Snaps a winner.
Wellby-Snaps.
The Girls snap their fingers twice. Blinky cues a cheerful DOG BARK. LIGHTS out on the
dog food commercial set. General applause for the well-run rehearsal. Vladja speaks through
the wrong end of the bullhorn to Bert ...
VLADJA
(effect)
Bart, ramabar nit to be lute: her scruam es yur cue to
anter.
RUTH
(closer to Bert)
Bert, remember, Betty's scream is your cue to enter.
BUDWALLER
Job well done, everyone. Now remember, tonight there
can be no mistakes. Because at eight o'clock tonight we
are ON ... THE... AIR.
CUT TO:
12. THE LITTLE DOG
Spitting out the Welby-Snaps dog food.
FADE TO BLACK:
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
13. A CLOCK
It's two minutes to eight. As the second hand ticks ever closer to the hour ...
CUT TO:
14. INT. STUDIO - NIGHT
At least twenty PEOPLE pace nervously back and forth. Inside the Executive Viewing
Booth, the old Network Executives shake in their chairs, loosening the screws bolting them to
the floor.
CUT TO:
15. INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT
A quivering MAKE-UP ARTIST tries to apply lipstick to Betty Hudson, who's moving her
head, trying to follow the errant path of the tube.
CUT TO:
16. INT. CONTROL BOOTH - NIGHT
CLOSE on TWO SHAKING HANDS gripping two cups of coffee, spilling a little.
CUT TO:
17. MCGONIGLE
Beads of sweat coursing down his forehead.
CUT TO:
18. VLADJA
Violently cracking his knuckles. It sounds like a galloping horse.
CUT TO:
19. BUDWALLER
Standing ramrod stiff, slapping a police blackjack in his palm.
CUT TO:
20. MICKEY AND BLINKY
MICKEY
(his voice quivering wildly)
Are you sure we're ready, Blinky?
Blinky, hyperventilating severely, shakes his head, then nods, then shakes his head again.
CUT TO:
21. RUTH
Backstage, over the headset.
RUTH
(seemingly calm)
Fifteen seconds to air.
The headset breaks in her clenched hand.
CUT TO:
22. BERT SCHEIN
Backstage, picking up the phone and rehearsing his line:
BERT
Hello, Jim, this is your husband, Sarah.
He grimaces, hangs up to try again.
CUT TO:
23. THE CLOCK
CLOSER ANGLE, the second hand moves from eight to seven seconds to eight o'clock.
CUT TO:
24. A TECHNICIAN IN THE CONTROL BOOTH
Using an oversized microphone and a bullhorn, he begins the countdown:
TECHNICIAN
Five!
Monitors blink on, test patterns appear.
TECHNICIAN
Four!
Switches are thrown, massive cables are patched.
TECHNICIAN
Three!
Red lights flash on large, lumbering cameras;
TECHNICIAN
Two!
Curtains part.
The Technician points and mouths, "One!"
The coffee cups in the pair of Hands spill coffee in every direction.
Beads of sweat flow copiously off off McGonigle's forehead.
Backstage, the Little Dog covers his eyes with his paws.
CUT TO:
25. A RED NEON SIGN
Snaps on, reading: "ON THE AIR"
CUT TO:
26. THE TRANSMISSION TOWER - NIGHT
On top of the monolithic deco skyscraper, a broadcast beacon sparks to life, sending electrical
signals into the night air.
CUT TO:
27. A LARGE GLOBE - NIGHT
America. Our skyscraper towers over New York, sending sparks into the night. Lights blink
on all over the country.
CUT TO:
28. A DARK SET
MUSIC swells.
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
"It's the Lester Guy Show ... starring ... Lester Guy."
The streetlight comes on, illuminating the street set. In strolls Lester Guy, in a tight black
suit, wearing a stylized fedora. Lester proceeds to make his strange dance moves around the
lamp post, as the music continues.
Lester moves into a CLOSE-UP, gives the CAMERA a huge smile, grips the lamp post and
begins to spin around it.
The lamp post rips loose at its base. Lester makes a speedy, slingshot exit, as the post slams
to the ground our of frame.
CUT TO:
29. MICKEY AND BLINKY
Hearing the post crash.
MICKEY
(petrified)
Uh-oh. Som'in' went wrong already.
CUT TO:
30. THE GLOBE
More lights blink on across America. We hear the distant sound of laughter.
CUT TO:
31. A MONITOR
A car commercial comes up.
CUT TO:
32. CONTROL BOOTH
MCGONIGLE
(half-heartedly definitive)
That lamp post can be fixed.
A red phone with a light red starts to ring. Underneath it reads: MR. ZOBLOTNICK'S
HOTLINE. Enraged, Budwaller lifts his blackjack to strike a table and ends up taking out a
monitor behind him. Sparks fly. He brings the blackjack forward and hits a row of rubber
pneumatic switches on the console. With an "oink" sound, one of them is activated.
CUT TO:
33. BLINKY'S SOUND GENERATOR
A similar "oink" sound is heard; a hiss of air follows and the organ rolls one lever to the right.
As we follow it, we end on a sign that reads: DO NOT MOVE. BLINKY'S LEVERS
HAVE BEEN PRECISELY SET. THANK YOU, SIGNED MICKEY. Neither Mickey or
Blinky notice the organ has moved.
CUT TO:
34. INT. CONTROL BOOTH
McGonigle stares in horror at the blinking hotline.
MCGONIGLE
Aren't you going to answer it?
Budwaller looks at him, looks at the phone.
MCGONIGLE (CONTINUED)
Maybe Mr. Zoblotnick has a helpful suggestion.
Budwaller picks up the phone: flames shoot out the ear piece. He quickly slams it back down.
Vladja bangs his head against the console in front of him.
VLADJA
My oncle's gaing to kell me. Sluwly.
Budwaller grabs Vladja's headset.
BUDWALLER
Ruth, is Lester all right?
CUT TO:
35. BACKSTAGE
Ruth and Nicole fan a limp, smiling, disoriented Lester, as DRESSERS prop him up and slap
a new costume on him.
RUTH
He's fine. Mr. Budwaller -
NICOLE
(grabbing her headset)
Bud, I saw that nitwit Betty walking near the lamp post
just before we went on -
CUT TO:
36. CONTROL BOOTH
As Budwaller takes charge and speaks into the headset.
BUDWALLER
Listen up, everybody, this is Budwaller. I'm in charge.
Everything's fine. I'm in complete control.
(covers the mouthpiece, desperate, to Vladja)
What's next?
VLADJA
The katchen scane.
MCGONIGLE
(triumphantly)
The kitchen scene!
BUDWALLER
(into headset)
Places for the kitchen scene!
The Technician gives a countdown, as the commercial ends.
CUT TO:
37. THE STAGE
The kitchen set rolls into place. One of the STAGEHANDS catches his pants pocket on a
drawer handle. He struggles in vain to free himself.
CUT TO:
38. CONTROL BOOTH
BUDWALLER
Action!
CUT TO:
39. THE KITCHEN SET
Lights up on the kitchen set. Blinky hits a lever, cueing the music, but instead of the soap-opera
music we hear jungle drum music.
Betty stands at the ironing board, momentarily thrown by the wrong music. She hears a
rattling sound behind her, turns to see the struggling Stagehand. She tries to wave him off
offstage. He shakes his head. She tries again. He shakes his head. She tries a third time. He
takes a RUN at it, his pants rip off and are left hanging on the handle. The Stagehand's
suspenders, which he's still wearing, stretch to the breaking point, then snap him back through
the kitchen window ...
CUT TO:
40. BACKSTAGE
As the waiting Lester gets flattened by the flying Stagehand.
CUT TO:
41. THE STAGE FLOOR
A floorboard pops a couple of nails and springs up, forming a kind of reverse ski-jump, just as
the CAMERA rolls towards it.
CUT TO:
42. THE KITCHEN SET
Betty picks up the iron.
MICKEY
(terrified)
Ironing effect, g-g-g-g-go.
Blinky pulls a lever. As Betty starts to iron, we hear the squeaky rubber-on-rubber raft effect.
The CAMERA hits the sprung floorboard, rocks up and tips over sideways with a crash. The
red light on top comes on, stuck.
QUICK CUT TO:
43. A MONITOR
Betty, on CAMERA, sideways, turns towards the monitor and SCREAMS.
CUT TO:
44. THE FRONT DOOR
A harried Bert Schein bursts through the front door.
BERT
Aha! I've caught you with another man!
Betty and Bert look at each other for a long moment. From backstage we hear squealing
pulleys and then the SOUND of the crash bag landing offstage.
CUT TO:
45. THE GLOBE
More lights blinking on across America. More laughter.
CUT TO:
46. AN INDIANA LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Two LITTLE OLD LADIES are watching television with their heads tilted to the side.
CUT TO:
47. A BRONX APARTMENT LIVING ROOM -NIGHT
Two t-shirted ITALIAN MEN turn a massive floor-model TV console on its side, as their
LARGE FAMILY, all in t-shirts, watch the show.
CUT TO:
48. CONTROL BOOTH
Vladja is curled up in a ball on the floor, rocking back and forth, moaning. The lights start
blinking on a bank of black phones. The Uniformed Page runs by holding messages
VLADJA
Natemoore... natemoore... (nightmare... nightmare)
BUDWALLER
McGonigle, get out there and do something.
MCGONIGLE
Yes, Mr. Budwaller.
McGonigle runs our of the booth.
CUT TO:
49. THE KITCHEN SET
Bert and Betty stare at each other. Bert slowly leaves and closes the door. Betty smiles
mechanically and goes back to her ironing.
MICKEY
Phone effect, number four, go.
Blinky pulls a lever. We hear the raucous CRY of a single jungle monkey. Betty stares at the
phone. Dare she? The monkey cries again. She picks up the phone.
BETTY
Hello?
McGonigle arrives on the edge of the set and points frantically to a group of two
STAGEHANDS and two NATIVE EXTRA:. All four gesture to ask if he's pointing to
them. He nods.
MCGONIGLE
(whispers)
Yes, you!!!!
The four MEN scatter.
CUT TO:
50. BERT
In the phone booth. Very confused. Improvising to cover his false entrance.
BERT
I'm NOT calling from downstairs in the lobby, Sarah.
You see, I was at home there momentarily moments ago
because I needed to get some important papers for my
business dinner tonight, which I retrieved, with my boss
which will detain me for some time -
During the above, one of the confused Stagehands starts to wheel the phone booth offstage.
BERT (CONTINUED)
-- actually, I'm calling from my office clear across
town.
The phone booth disappears. The CAMERA continues to shoot the blank wall.
CUT TO:
51. BACKSTAGE
We follow the rope that holds the crash bag down to the skinny Stagehand.
STAGEHAND
I got ever'thing in there now, Miss Ruthie.
We continue to follow the rope down to the floor, where a loop is wrapped around the woozy,
but still smiling, Lester Guy's ankle, then along the floor to where the Little Dog is pulling on
the end.
CUT TO:
52. THE KITCHEN SET
Betty stares at the phone in her hand. Turns to CAMERA and ad libs. Behind her, a woozy
Lester is taking a good deal of time to climb through the window.
MICKEY
Mr. Guy's comin' through the window.
Blinky cues another wrong piece of music: a happy polka. Meanwhile, Stagehands are slowly
starting to push the kitchen set away.
McGonigle watches in open-mouthed horror.
BETTY
(completely happy)
Must have been a wrong number. I'm going to go back
to my ironing. I have so much ironing to do.
Normally, my mother does all my ironing, and this
afternoon Mr. Glotch-talk even wanted my mother to
iron during the show. I'm so confused. I told him my
mother would be at home this evening. Do you have a
favorite song? This is one my mother used to sing to me
all the time. It's called "The Bird in the Tree."
She sings. Behind her Lester is halfway through the window, but as the set continues to move, it
keeps pulling the rope up and Lester's feet, which are still outside, are slowly lifted off the
ground. Behind them, the Little Dog continues to growl.
In the control booth, Budwaller stares in horror, then looks at the monitor, where the picture is
still on its side.
LESTER
Darling ... my darling ...
Betty turns to look at Lester, confused.
BETTY
Oh ...
Backstage, the skinny Stagehand can't hold on to his end of the rope any longer and lets go.
The crash bag starts to fall. Holding onto the far end of the rope, the little Dog is catapulted
along the floor with a wild yelp.
Lester is sucked back out the window like a shot, as the crash bag lands.
MICKEY
(to Blinky)
Mr. Guy gone out the window.
Betty screams. Lester appears above the set, swinging back and forth at the end of the rope on a
long pendulum arc.
Bert runs back onto the now kitchen set-less stage.
BERT
Aha! I've caught you with another man.
He and Betty stare at each other. Lester swings back across the stage above them. Bert points
his gun up at Lester and keeps pulling the trigger, hoping for a sound effect.
CUT TO:
53. BLINKY
Who has now officially lost it, starts pulling levers like crazy. Mickey starts crying.
CUT TO:
54. THE STAGE
A Sousa march blasts in. The two Native Extras "row" the rubber raft across the stage between
Betty and Bert, who is still firing at the swinging Lester. We hear a weird variety of sound
effects. Then silence
LESTER
(swinging by again)
Sarah ... I'm leaving you now ... never to return. Our
brief moment of happiness has passed ...
Betty looks up at him, then out at CAMERA.
BETTY
... I loved him so.
LIGHTS fade to black.
CUT TO:
55. THE GLOBE
More lights. More lights.
CUT TO:
56. A PITTSBURGH LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Watching the show, a BLACK MAN with a cigar watching in wonder and disbelief.
CUT TO:
57. A MONTANA LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A COWBOY and his HORSE watch the show in amazement.
CUT TO:
58. THE CONTROL BOOTH
Budwaller screams into his headset.
BUDWALLER
Dog food!
The row of Executives, drenched in sweat, are all unconscious in their seats.
CUT TO:
59. THE STAGE
The trap door opens, the Hand reaches up, missing the bowl and hooks the monofilament to the
Dog's collar. As the trap door closes, the Hand's tie gets caught, jamming the door.
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
The Lester Guy Show ... brought to you by Wellby-Snap
Pet Foods.
Backstage, Nicole, Ruth and some stagehands try to untangle the rope while ...
... onstage, LIGHTS come up on Lester hanging, still upside down, in the dog food set,
flanked by the chorus girls.
LESTER
Hello. Are you a dog lover, as I am? I love dogs.
Some of my best friends are dogs. And of course, my
friends love to eat.
The Chorus Girls empty two cans of dog food in the dog food dish.
LESTER
And what they love to eat most is Wellby-Snaps Canine
Chow. If it's wet they'll say ...
THE GIRLS
You bet.
LESTER
If it's dry they'll say ...
THE GIRLS
Oh my!
LESTER
And if it's powder they'll bark louder.
The Little Dog is pulled by the monofilament right down to the floor, while the food sets
nearby untouched and the Hand bangs at the trapdoor trying to free his tie.
LESTER (CONTINUED)
So for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, Wellby-Snaps a
winner. Wellby-Snaps.
The Girls snap their fingers twice. The mechanical LION lurches out onto the stage, breaking
through the paper backdrop. The rope holding Lester is yanked sideways and Lester is slowly
lowered into the dog food dish. Blinky cues an angry African KILLER BEES NEST.
LIGHTS out on the dog food commercial set, as the BEES continue.
CUT TO:
60. A MONITOR
The sound of the bees continues. The Lester Guy Show card comes up. Then FADES OUT.
CUT TO:
61. THE ON THE AIR SIGN
Blinks off. They're off the air. Dead silence.
CUT TO:
62. ONSTAGE
House lights come up. Nobody moves. The Bees sound continues.
MICKEY
(gently)
Blinky ... Blinky ... you got the killer bee sound still on.
Blinky, sprawled across the levers, looks up, nods, and cries a few levers, generating a few more
random sounds. Then Mickey charitably leans over and pulls the plug. It all winds down.
- (CONTINUED)
62. CONTINUED:
BETTY
(still cheerful)
Gee... that was fun.
A grateful round of applause for Betty from the cast and crew.
NICOLE
(hateful, to Betty)
You ... it's all your fault. This is Lester's show. He
wasn't even on.
We hear pulley squeaks. Lester, out of it, still hanging upside down, gently comes to rest in a
pile on the floor.
CUT TO:
63. CONTROL BOOTH
Vladja peeks up over the console and shakes his head.
VLADJA
A laving neghtmoore ... (living nightmare)
All the phones are ringing. The HOTLINE is flashing.
Budwaller looks at McGonigle, then reaches so slowly for the red phone, raises it ever so
slowly to his ear. Smiles painfully.
BUDWALLER
Yes, Mr. Zoblotnick, sir? ... what's that? ... we have a
what on our hands? ...
Budwaller smiles crookedly, holds the phone up to the INTERCOM.
ZOBLOTNICK'S VOICE
(heard everywhere in the studio)
WE HAVE A HIT ON OUR HANDS.
EVERYONE
What?
CUT TO BLACK:
THE END